Grieving all the time
I long to go back to sleep the moment I wake up.
In such sleep, or even just a slightly delirious sense, I dream of grandma.The person who loves me most in the world. She has passed away. And Isaw with my own eyes how she died.
She died from pain. Cancer pain. Almost 4 months after the discovery of her cancer.
Every moment after that discovery was immense pain. I felt like my heart and my guts cut everday.
I flew back home from overseas. with my mother and my sister. But how I hated my mother. A woman obsessed with money all the time.
When grandma was alive, my mother used my grandma as a tool to help her collect rental money of the many porperties that mother had. Mother is not one who is easily satisfied. She demanded grandma to reportto her regularly, to hand all the money to her. If grandma kept some money herself, mother would torment grandma with sniping words, even vulgarity.
The worst things happened were that mother poisoned my mind during this whole period. I was not exactly too young, to be truthful. But I was of an impressionable age about 12, 13. Mother would tell me how grandma steal her money. How grandma did not hand all the money to her. How, basically , grandma could not placate all the people that mother's rental businesses were relating with.
Mind you, the business was not easy to run, for one thing. Second thing is that grandma was damm old already, she was about sity somethings. She should have been able to enjoy her life. Not being slave to her daughter.
My mum and me were being overseas all of these times and the properties were left in the original country for grandma to run. So most of the time, I lived with mum, and my mind got poisoned by her.
She insisted that life was nothing but greed and dishonesty. She trumpeted generosity and pretended most of the time to display her generosity, but with her lip service only.
The amount that she gave to other people was really insignificant. And always with some ulterior motive. Like she will try to bribe them. etc.
My whole life staying with mother was a mental torment between my innocence and my cynicism and hypocrisy. Mum is full of vulgarity inside her mind. But she acts as if she is the most gentle and peasant-like person on the outside. How I despise her!
Watching my grandma dying is the most horrible thing. Because cancer brings tremendous pain. And for some reason, perhaps senility, my grandma became so fearful of death so much. She was not only physically tortured by the disease. The knowledge that the pain was killing her killed her mentally as well.
When my mum andI were in another country, grandma stayed with my uncle and his family. They had 2 domestic helpers. And 2 children
When I returned to the country to meet my disease--stricken grandma, I was disgusted to see how my grandma was treated by my uncle's family. Grandma couldn't speak probably. Neither could she stand up and walk about freely. I couldn't understand why. perhaps it was the cancer, or perhaps it was depression on my grandma's part.
Anyhow, by the time I reached home, grandma was dirty. She did not bathe for 2 weeks and was covered in filth. Shame on my uncle's family. They had domestic helpers. They are rich.. but they didn't bother with grandma. I was infuriated, especially with my uncle. How he feared his wife. And the domestic helpers bullied my grandma. They treated her like trash, by shouting and ignoring her. They were thinking that she had some senility and her children were not treating her well. WHy should they?
I hated that sight. The sight of my helpless grandma being bullied by my uncle's family.
How powerful and influential my grandma used to be?What great sacrifice she used to do for her own family? She used to sell her own blood when they were poor, in order to raise the family up in times of hardship. How I hated how they forgot all those things?
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